Life in the Grey Room
by llivla
Summary: Yuugi is ready to be selfish, even at the expense of history and his own story. Oneshot alternate ending to the series.


Pernicious Incandescence

Summary: When one is of purity, is it of fate or by choice? What if when that person of such  
purity is ready to shed—innocence and indulge in a spontaneous act of selfishness and that  
could change history? One-shot, alternate ending of Yugioh because it was so…so…_lame_.  
Y/YY

Dislaimer: I don't down Yugioh. If I did...

--------------------

_And I would be the one to hold you down,  
Kiss you so hard and after that  
wipe away your tears, just  
close your eyes, dear. _

All I'll take your breath away.

--------------------

Yami's dark voice thundered across the abyss, across what would be the end of it all. The  
room itself didn't seem to have a defined shape: nothing up and no indication of a floor at all  
anymore with the light of the dead all around. It stretched forever, but for all Jounouchi's eyes  
told him there was nothing. Black, swirling with purple across his naked pupils, he might as  
well close his eyes.

But he didn't. He continued to stare at the Game King, dreading and rejoicing at the same  
time at what was about to take place. This was it, wasn't it? This was what they had risked  
their lives for endlessly, killed and fought with nothing to go on, with no promise of a dawn  
breaking through the ashen clouds.

We did it, Jounouchi thought, and winced at the sudden pain in his arm. He was surprised the  
injury Malik gave him for defending Mai would hurt now. They, the Millennium Items, would  
never be a threat again. His honey eyes looked to Bakura, the white-locked head was bowed.  
Poor kid was probably embarrassed by his scars, by what his body had done, Anzu was quite  
the mother hen...before...she… He had a compulsive desire to take her hand and make sure  
they were all still there.

He shook his head and concentrated on the King of Games again, focusing on the smooth,  
confident baritones of the voice instead of the sick, wrong look in Anzu's eyes. He wondered if  
he could ever have the heart to tell her even if he did stay it wouldn't be for her. He blinked  
the thoughts away furiously. Focus on the Pharaoh. Focus on Atemu...focus on the voice. It  
never wavered, always sure; always confident.

Yuugi had won, and now Atemu would return to the world of the dead. That was it, period, last  
chapter. The stakes seemed so clear-cut; Shaadi, Isis, and all the other robed freaks so sure  
of their ways...well Jounouchi sure and hell wasn't...why did this seem so wrong? To lose a  
friend this way…

The Pharaoh was saying something again, but Jounouchi couldn't hear words. Just sounds.  
Bye other, dark, menacing but cool little dude. It was nice to know you before you died…  
again… He closed his eyes. Somehow this seemed backwards; and so, so wrong.  
However, this was what they had all fought for...

Then Jounouchi saw his eyes when he actually turned away from Yuugi: pain, sorrow, agony.  
Bitter fire passion _hell _angry.

Didn't he want to go home? Jounouchi stared at him. After...after all they'd done. All the  
battles, his sister's life in danger, Yuugi's life in danger, and in the end after all his pretty  
words Yugioh didn't even want to leave?! His heart boiled, WE RISKED OURSELVES FOR  
THIS?!

He turned to glare at Yuugi, a silent sliver of see-through shadow in form, head bowed as well.  
He couldn't read the smaller boy's body language like he used to, back then the lil' guy was an  
open book. Now the shoulders were straighter, the walk less mousy, the voice less cautious,  
the gaze less afraid. Jounouchi knew Yuugi knew that Jounouchi was watching him; the tilt of  
his head shifted towards Jounouchi's way, but Mutou Yuugi refused to meet his gaze. His  
fingers briefly, limply touched where the Puzzle should have been. _Should have been_, should  
still _be_ if the world wanted to be fair. 'Let him have it, why can't you?'

God this probably breaking him apart, he thought, that spirit...he's been everything to him.

/And isn't Yuugi everything to Yami?/ A little voice questioned.

It's just not fair, he said to the voice.

/Anything rarely is./ The conscience replied.

--------------------

_Why did he give me that ring?  
_  
_Why, why, why, why, why?!  
_  
Why couldn't he have been a doctor? A politician? A stupid, god damned hairdresser would  
have been better! Why an archeologist?

Why Egypt?

_Why _me

Bakura pitied himself; he knew this was the most pathetic and self-centered thing in the world  
to do especially now that the Game King was returning to the dead, but in his opinion after all  
he'd endured he felt that he deserved to be so if only for a little while after witnessing his best  
friend kill _his_ best friend, and after what he learned the Ring Voice had been doing while he'd  
been out. His hands jammed into his pockets, his sweater torn and still stained with blood he  
would never let anyone else see.

He'd burn this coat the second he got home. The first night he'd eaten happily and slept after  
it was over, peaceful and dreamless. He called home, but father hadn't been home to see he  
was even gone.

But he'd slept peaceful and dreamless—silent and without blood or a voice telling him who was  
in charge. He found that the silence of his dreams was slightly eerie, and that if he was truly  
honest with himself he could admit sleep was actually uncomfortable without the menacing  
but familiar presence.

Bakura pitied himself.

Yuugi needed him. He was the only other one who could sort of help him recover after this. He  
should stand by his side, because it was over, their other selves would be gone for good.

But still, Bakura pitied himself above it, so he didn't move and didn't give Yuugi anything  
friend-like, such as reassurance. He didn't look at him. He made sure he kept to the back  
actually, as an insurance policy.

Why oh why had he been given that Ring? He basically threw it at the altar.

Why, why, why, why, why?!

Why did it sting to be without it!?

Why…How did he _know_ he would never really get around to burning this god forsaken,  
blood crusted coat?

_How...how could...the nightmares...oh God; Yuugi I'm sorry. _

WHY DID HE GIVE ME THAT RING?!

--------------------

That grin. "You don't need me, you are your own self; remember that from now on!"

"Yes!" Smile.

Friendly words, words for friends that were stubbornly enthusiastic towards the future; the  
most twisted but _happy_ of goodbye graduations. And denial.

_Please don't leave me._

He smiled and he made sure that his eyes shone brightly not with tears but with happiness  
that mou hitori no boku was leaving because this was what he wanted wasn't it--wasn't it?!  
This was all they had fought for, all they had given up and practiced for! Mou hitori no boku—  
no!—_Pharaoh Atemu_ and he had gone over this over and over that he would be silent and tell  
the other—him—through silence what he needed to say so DAMN IT why did he have to smile?  
But he did. He, Mutou Yuugi was happy that the pharaoh was leaving...he was _ecstatic_ he had  
his memories, his life, his name...!

Then why was it so damn hard to play like this? Why did he even have to play? Why couldn't  
he throw his arms around this figure that he honest to _whatever_ god loved, and felt, and knew  
every heartbeat, because it always beat with his own, above his own, strong and big and always?

Why couldn't he cry?

'Because. Then he'll stay.'

God.

I won.

I did it.

I beat the Game King.

The Master of Games...I did it, me. I have done what Pegasus, Otogi, Kaiba, Yami no Bakura,  
Yami no Malik, Noah, the Doom Squad, Alexander the Great, Zork—I have done what none of  
them could. He _was_ standing as the new Game King. And it was the most miserable place in  
the world.

Why did I win?! When I looked at you over my hand you grinned at me with a challenge and  
God, all those shadows melted away and it was just you and me in my room for kicks, to build  
up my levels—I am your protégé, you have to teach me!

Did you let me win?

Do you want to go and die that much? Or was I so...was I just not good enough? What could I  
have done to make you stay—oh god you're leaving now SHUT UP ISIS! Why couldn't there be  
something left to do—anything, so help me I wish that there was something else missing, that  
there was someone else that just you and I could defeat but it would take a while such a long  
while that you would forget again that you are not allowed to stay here.

I tell you with a straight face (aren't you proud at what I learned from you?) that I will miss  
you and smile so, so brightly and take a step back and after all of this it's so simple. We  
dueled. I won. So now you leave—you poof out of my life forever like a kid's shallow cartoon,  
and I'll never see you again. I'll never hear your voice—Oh God I swear that I can't do this,  
why was I picked, why did I volunteer? It's such a long way down to fall, you took me so high  
up (so gentle and slow I didn't even notice) and now… I have to fall crashing without you.

And be normal. It was so dizzying with you, you know. I found you (or was it you that found  
me?) and it was one spiral of confusing and funneling vortex after another where we fell and  
you didn't let go and now it's stopped. Now you let go. Like a game that I thought would be  
long and entertaining and challenging and complex, but only turned out to be made by  
amateurs with a stupid, simple ending.

You fought me so hard to win; I didn't see that until right now. I was happy, you took me so  
seriously and I was so _happy_ because I was your _equal_ then and I felt so _infinite_ and yet…God,  
I wanted to back down so many times but I could just imagine that look of disappointment on  
your face because that isn't how you had taught me. But I think now that you could have  
gotten over it, that sooner or later you could have forgiven me and moved on...with me. I  
don't know right now what it will be like without you, and I don't want to oh God...I really  
can't do this, what is Isis saying? Oh God, I'll never touch that Puzzle again, that's filled with  
my blood and yours. Oh God...your face is losing its solid form now I CAN'T DO THIS.

I can't.

I can't believe how it is to hear your voice...dammit; I could touch you now...for once...  
but I won't.

I can't.

I can't call you Atemu—I can't...oh God, I can't _not_ call you mou hitori no boku. I can't  
imagine a day without that cocky smile while I do chores and you tell me that I missed a spot.  
When all but go on your hands and knees to make me wear another ridiculous buckle and nod  
approvingly. I don't want to see one hour pass me by when I am lost in my own world and  
then you are there because darn it, we're stuck together and you're bored and I had better tell  
you what I'm thinking to the last detail if I know what's good for me and is there any  
chocolate ice cream left?

Oh God _please don't leave me_.

--------------------

Does he have any idea how much I want to hold him right now? It would be the...first...time...  
oh gods that frightens me; I haven't felt like this since first being locked away. I'd rather take  
that on a thousand more times ifI didn't have to have him so close and not…you don't  
understand, Ra, his heart…I am no longer _in his heart_.

God I want you. I want to be with you. I told you that and I broke my promise.

Why did you have to win?

You wanted me to stay.

This is not a statement that I grab out of nowhere in an attempt to make you suffer. I could  
feel it: it was raw and it spiked through your eyes as I watched you set a card down that you  
did not want me to leave.

I don't either. God. If you had not drawn that card, if only your beginning draw or hand had  
been different, if you only you didn't know me so well, didn't love me so much that you would  
just let me go and die—

I want to be with you. I want to watch you grow up and prove to you once and for all that I  
was right and everything I taught you was too. You're a genius; you'll come out on top and  
you won't bask in the glory at all just smile that simple spread across your face that I want to  
see everyday and watch you continue to fix the world and pretend everything is perfect.

Married? I always pictured you marrying Shizuka at some point (Anzu I regret advising, she  
and Rebecca wouldn't be gentle or loving enough for you)—God you'll be a wonderful father.  
But even deeper down I don't want you to marry anybody because they aren't good enough  
for you and I know what you need and they wouldn't understand that you have to have every  
clock at the same speed otherwise you'll go insane or that personal reason I understand but  
you never told me about that you can't have frames of your parents too close to your  
friends...that you need those alphabet blocks as an anchor in remembrance of everything you  
were and need to be. And I would be a tad territorial of you anyway, oh God, maybe its better  
that I'm gone because I'd mess you up _even more_ for life.

So many times I lost you, but I always got you back. I won't ever have you back again now.  
Yuugi, what if I, just for a moment...your bang is in your way again...doing that thing that you  
hate. What if I just brushed it away...but my hand isn't moving. I'm smiling and nodding and  
trying not to grit my teeth and scream at the temple guardians to sod off and quit saying I  
have to be hurrying up... Oh my hands are disappearing I can't touch you now (I never did get  
the chance...)...again... I'm taking a step back. Away from you, and it's so, so wrong on so  
many levels I don't understand how I am able to do it without exploding.

I wanted to be everything for you, I wanted (WANT) so badly I didn't know exactly what line  
defined the specifics but all I knew was that when you were gone when I couldn't feel you for  
the longest time I thought that I would die. I needed you and I realized that you were more  
important than all of my memories and my life. Yuugi if it came between your life and my  
memories it wouldn't even be a _question_…oh this is so wrong, I am so wrong…I want to be  
everything…

Because really, you were my life; and it's only now when the Items are assembled and my  
fingertips are fading and I'm smiling and trying not to hug you because I know then that I'll  
give in drag you down with me...I realize that my life really is over in more ways than one.

And I now I have to die.

Because you won: because once again you were so perfect I couldn't stand it I was so proud  
and God you make me feel so young and powerful and I'm bubbling with 'I told you so's' and—  
and—

And now for the first time I know what it means to lose something.

But...God! Every time no matter how hard I tried--whenever I leaned on the balcony in Egypt,  
I would see your slouch next to me squinting at stars; every mirror I expected to see you  
there, blinking confusedly in the stead of my angry ones. And when I saw all of Egypt in it's  
splendor I couldn't help but wonder the impossible "what if's"—if you had been there, and  
what you would have thought of it all…with me.

It's time to say goodbye and I feel slighted when Anzu tries to…Yuugi why isn't that you? I'm  
turning robotically—happy, must be happy!—I'm going, I'm leaving you…

_It was his past, full of memories laughter Atemu you stupid child you're going to rule as God  
when I'm gone?!  
_  
He stared at the light, how ironic it was, but he knew he had to walk toward it...Yuugi's back  
was turning oh God, but that was _good_...keep walking, that's what they were both doing. That  
was their identical fault to not be able to face it...Memories, oh so many more for him to know  
and see flew by...don't think of Yuugi, think of the gardens, not how that tree Yuugi would  
love to climb...oh Ra...I can't say God; He doesn't exist to his people yet...

_Shimmering, gold, purple silks and water bowls. People he knew people he loved, memories  
rush feel mother wife son— _

--------------------

He was doing fine until he felt the break begin, as the Pharaoh  
left  
his

heart. Yuugi froze, registering the gentle, so disturbingly gentle tear as something not himself  
was draining out and leaving but he was in _complete denial_ that it was actually walking away and—

_want to be with you always me too me too ill give you all all of my_

Oh God, he thought. He really wasn't strong enough.

Who was that screaming?

--------------------

"MOU HITORI NO BOKU!"

Don't turn around DON'T TURN AROUND!

...but...

_not you're other self; you are a complete person you don't need me_

They were complete without each other. KEEP WALKING KEEP FADING AND LET HIM  
GROW UP!

It shouldn't be like this.

There was no need for it to like this...He looked behind, and saw a boy.

'Move!' the voice hissed at him as his eyes widened in shock as he saw in slow motion the tiny  
figure began to move. Towards him. 'You can't let him do this—it'll ruin his life, it'll be OVER,  
think of what this will do to history—'

God he was so precious...he couldn't stop staring.

Yuugi...

--------------------

Isis froze in shock.

Shaadi shouted something that seemed to not make sense to anyone.

The items of Horus spiked with power as the method of sealing reached its climax. The magic  
of the ancient would have been pulling the Pharaoh into the vortex of Ra, why wasn't it going  
fast enough?!

"Stop him!" Someone shouted.

--------------------

YUUGI! STOP!

Not fair not fair please god don't leave me here please I love you.

YUUGI!

I'm sorry Grandpa but...I _can't_...

He bit him; he bit Jounouchi and when the blonde refused to go he kicked and clawed. He saw  
blood on Honda's cheek, some of Bakura's hair, but he didn't care. He slipped under Malik and  
under the towering Odion. Otogi, Kaiba, Mokuba…too shocked, he was so thankful they  
couldn't take anything of this in to start with and were frozen in their recently slaughtered ignorance.

Not fair not fair come back to me please God.

He didn't know how he overcame two men. He was a tiny boy, and crying, and scared, and  
confused. But he fell from them. And ran.

YUUGI NO!

I'm sorry Anzu, I didn't mean to hit you that hard...

A Champion is not on his knees.

But I'm not a champion, he thought. "MOU HITORI NO BOKU!" I'm…Yuugi, and this is  
who I am.

This is what Yuugi does.

--------------------

He was…--closer. Ruby eyes froze and whirled around.

Time slowed down.

--------------------

God he was here, still there I can make it. The tears came harder, but he grinned when the  
one he wanted didn't move.

I couldn't hold back.

Neither could I.

Stay stay right there and don't leave me again.

Were they sharing the same thoughts again?

I hear you calling out, I want to hear you, My Heart...

I don't want to be alone...I know I'm strong enough but I am choosing not to be and I don't  
want to cry when I'm older and see your body in a museum case...I don't want anything else,  
don't want anyone else…

Four sets of legs tore after him but god he was faster now. He shouldn't be doing this but his  
heart ached and a sense of loss was so powerful he didn't care Yami you'd take care of me right?

The door, god the door was still there so close so close. YAMI.

He didn't move. He knew he should, he knew he should suspend or subdue him but why? His  
mind was frozen, only taking in that Yuugi was coming to him. Wanted to come with him.

Selfish god don't be selfish he's not yours own life past present moon sun stars rain _what will  
you do with him_?

Yuugi flung his arms around him.

The Pharaoh's eyes closed.

Jounouchi cursed and Bakura called to them one last time and Anzu couldn't say anything she  
was on her knees and sobbing so hard.

The Way had shut. They were gone; and then the earthquake began there was no _time_.

--------------------

There was heat, there were the spiky sand burns in his skin and hair and clothes. His eyes  
were itching red at the dryness, his lips were chapped. He was sweaty and exhausted from crying.

His crown dug into his skull painfully.

The robed figures were coming: the judges...they were not happy.

But Pharaoh had never been happier than to have Yuugi here at last with him, have those  
smaller, perfect hands wrap around his ceremonial cape tightly.

Forever.

--------------------

Jounouchi finally let go after getting a safe distance from the collapsed Tomb. Sugoroku fell  
and began to pound the ground, choking and crying out for his grandson.

But Jounouchi found that he couldn't hate Yami. He couldn't blame him, either.

--------------------

_And I--_I  
_would be the one to_ _take your_ breath _away..._


End file.
